Note:  I’m going to try to write more regularly here to share my experiences as an adult diagnosed ADHDer as I navigate through life and also going to try to include some perspectives from those around me to help provide info and insights on how to support the ADHDer in your life.  Please be kind, and leave a comment with questions or things you want me to write about.

Running.  It’s something I hated doing when I was playing sports growing up.  But when it comes to having it as a go to poor coping strategy, pretty sure my running skills are pretty elite.

Often when I am faced with high levels of stress, overwhelm, tension, uncertainty, interpersonal conflict (both real and imagined – thanks RSD!) I tend to shutdown and withdraw.  I used to think that this was some sort of personality flaw and that I was less capable than others with dealing with many aspects of “normal” life because having ADHD means you’re living a world that your brain is not built for.  But really what it was is a way my brain was trying to tell me “hey – you – it’s time to take a break and recharge before you snap/breakdown/say something you don’t mean/etc”.

I’m sure you’re thinking “everyone has reactions when they are stressed how is this different than that?”  Well, it is, and this is a topic I will jump into a bit deeper later, but for now, you can read about ADHD shutdown/paralysis here, here, here, and here.  But understand this one point – a key part of ADHD is having issues with regulating things like thoughts, emotions, activity, attention, etc.

Often as I’m working my way towards what I now know is a shutdown, I often will flail about because everything just seems like too much and I seek something to ground me.  However, since I’m in a state of overwhelem, I often let my fears and anxiety take the wheel and am convinced I am trash and not deserving of any support or help (again, for a long time I viewed my inability to regulate and manage “normal” life was a flaw and not an aspect of my neurobiological disorder).  I will lash out at the very people I am looking for support from an often say hurtful things because in my state of overwhelm, my brain is like “hey – everything seems so out of whack and out of control, you know what you can control? Making those fears you have about everyone hating you and your belief you suck a reality!”

How does this relate to running? Well, often it will get to a point where I am convinced I am a burden and that no one wants to help or support me and everything seems so overwhelming that I will just want to run.  Now this can mean physically moving to a different space or mentally checking out, and depending on the particular situation, might last a short time or take me awhile to bounce back from.  No two shutdowns are the same, but they are similar so I can use some strategies to help, especially now that I know what is going on.

While in some cases, removing some external stimulus and allowing my brain and emotions time to regulate is exactly what I need to do.  Say a room is too noisy – I can move to a quiet corner or go outside for a bit.  Or I had a long day at work – I can consume some safety content and give my brain a rest.  Or I have some big decisions – I can ask someone for help if I’m stuck.  But often by the time I realize I am overwhelmed beause my brain is going constantly and I don’t even realize I’m running headfirst into a shutdown, I am beyond where these obvious simple tools will work.

And because I’m flailing I often will feel super uncomfortable asking for help and want to keep my unregulated self to myself so no one has to see me like that – which what you do you – adds more stress!  At the same time I am craving care and help from my support system but also want everyone to go away and leave me alone because I’m horrible and should just live off the grid and never interact with others because I am unsuitable for human interaction.  In the moment it seems so real, but when I’m in what is called wise-mind, I see this all as just my inability to regulate my emotions and that I need to give myself a break and rest.

But there’s also a secondary part to this – by threatening to leave or to run or whatever, I’m also trying to get some support.  Yes, this makes little to no sense – how does pushing people away offer your evidence of support? That’s because if I threaten to leave, I somehow convinced myself that this is the only way to get my support system to make sure I know I am cared for.  This is where running becomes a poor coping strategy.  And it’s one I try to use to regulate my emotions and usually just causes more angst and drama and stress.

I know it hurts the people trying to help me. And in some way, I want it to.  Because when I’m in overwhelm it hurts me.  It takes away my joy and puts up so many barriers and roadblocks.  And I guess, as they say, misery loves company, so if I hurt those around me, I won’t be alone in the negative space.  But then there’s the part of me that doesn’t want to do this – which only makes the running seem like an even better idea.

Running also means that I can hopefully just leave all of the stress and whatnot behind.  But let’s be honest – that’s just silly.  Because running will probably just make everything worse instead of just dealing with it and leaning on my support system for some help to get through it.  Or will cause me to miss some great opportunities and experiences.

So now that I know all of this, I’m able to tell people in my life “I’m not being rude, I am getting overwhelmed and need to do some self-regulation” if I need to leave a room or gathering.  I can help them understand the signs of what overwhelm may look like so they can maybe nudge me towards some self-care if they see something building.  I can be honest with them AND myself that I’m feeling overwhelmed and not try to hide it and use good coping techniques to keep it from becoming a full on shutdown.  I can burst into tears when things feel so heavy and not beat myself up for just feeling things so strongly when I have a lot going on (this is a concept I also want to talk about more at some point).  I can begin to internalize that my brain is wired differently than others and that it’s not that I can’t handle the stress of normal life, I just have to handle it differently.  And that’s ok.  I don’t have to run to save myself and others from my actions and reactions.  If anything, I should stay present, listen to myself, use good coping strategies, and trust that my support system will be there to help when needed.  I don’t have to hide that I’m different.  And it’s not an excuse – it’s an explanation.  And having the words to explain and understand it is a powerful thing.