Note:  I’m going to try to write more regularly here to share my experiences as an adult diagnosed ADHDer as I navigate through life and also going to try to include some perspectives from those around me to help provide info and insights on how to support the ADHDer in your life.  Please be kind, and leave a comment with questions or things you want me to write about.

I’m not really sure what the topic of this post, and it’ll probably end up being a stream of thoughts, but sometimes you just need to write to get things out of your head.

Over the last few weeks, I have been tired.  The kind of tired from having a lot of tasks on your plate, are doing a lot of thinking, and also needing a break.  I mean, if I had to take a quiz, it would probably say that I’m having an uptick in depression and anxiety symptions.  And to be honest, that quiz probably wouldn’t be wrong.

And like I said in my last post, I’m getting better at recognizing when I am experiencing this, but I am still not the best at making the decisions to not let negative emotions take over and put me in a bad mood.

Recently one of thse not so good decisions led to a misunderstanding.  One that lead to some hurt feelings – and while they weren’t intended – the effect was still the same.  Thankfully, this was a blip on a radar, and things have been cleared up, but I really wish it hadn’t even happened.

But it did, as is the way of the ADHDer, when your reactions cause you to mis-react or say something in a way you didn’t mean you’re then left with the shame and regret, and wishing you had better tools to not make the dumb decisions.  Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

But as is the way of the universe, I had some great conversations this week that stuck with me and had some a ha moments.  One thing that I’m committing to is that I want to spend more effort keeping these dumb decisions from happening.  I want to have more respect for myself and others.

I also spent a lot of time this week in solitude. Not running, just resting. Because I know that if I push myself too hard, it makes those dumb decisions more likely to happen. So because I’m stressed, and my depression and anxiety are a bit out of whack, it means that solitude can be more difficult.  The anxiety makes the negative thoughts seem so much more powerful.  And then the solitude amplifies the negative thoughts and the vicious cycle repeats itself.  So not only have I been dealing with the fallout from a dumb decision, I’m also lacking some external feedback to help me from getting too much inside my head.  But I also realized that having reminders to look at when I need a reminder, and being clear with the people in my support system what I need when I’m in a funk is a good thing.  I can’t expect people to just know things, and I can’t get upset when they do something that isn’t necessarily what I need in that moment.

But what I can do is communicate.  And encourage people to communicate with me.  And sometimes I’ll need stuff repeated because my brain is moving so fast not everything always sinks in the first time.  But eventually it will, and I’ll feel dumb for not having made a connection earlier.  Thanks, ADHD!

And as much as I love being around people I care about and that bring me joy, sometimes I just need to be by myself.  I need to sleep and read and be fully unmasked.  I need to be free from worrying about all interactions with others and the stress that comes from that when my anxiety and depression are off kilter.  But that doesn’t mean I’m free from the negative thoughts and worry.  And sometimes, it makes me feel very alone and like I’m taking on the world by myself.  And that is hard.  And sometimes it seems impossible.

But this is where a good support system comes in.  People that understand sometimes I just need to be, but also giving reminders that I’m not alone.  To point me to the giant ass tool box I have of skills I’ve gathered from years of therapy and say “USE THESE!!”.  But also have compassion and understanding at the kind of exhaustion that comes from the non-stop thoughts that my ADHD brain has.  And when I have a lot of big stressful decisions that I have to make, it seems like the rate of the thoughts is at like 5 times as fast as normal and you just want to freeze.  And that is what I do.

It’s in these moments that rest is probably most important.  It helps me think through things and process and FEEL emotions, as opposed to just trying to do all of that while dealing with all of the other ways that ADHD impacts my day-to-day life.

What does it look like for me when I’m in one of these rest periods? (Note: I’m going to describe how it manifests for me personally, but each ADHDer may have different things they do when they need to rest, so check with the ADHDer in your life one what it looks like for them)

• I find it difficult to do anything but the bare minimum to get through the day.  This will mean pjs most of the day, forgetting to take my Adderall, forgetting to eat or only eating snacks, and lots of time in bed.  My executive functioning skills are greatly diminished and even though I want or know I need to do things, I just can’t do the things.
• I will often need to refocus on re-establishing my daily routines.  These are things that non-ADHDers consider habits, and don’t have to expend a lot of mental energy to do, but for ADHDers, we have to use mental energy for each thing.  This will improve as I get more rest and have the extra energy to do this.
• I will consume comfort content.  These are things that I’ve read, watched, or listened to many many times again, but are predictable and not stressful.  Since I’m so tired, my brain really doesn’t have capacity for new content.
• I will isolate. While this may sem to be similar to running, it’s not.  I’ll not threaten to leave where I am, or anything like that, I’ll just likely stay in my living space and not leave it unless absolutely needed, until I get my energy back more. Phone calls are a big no when I’m in this frame of mind, and text based messages are a better bet.  This is when I appreciate when my support system checks in and reminds me that I can get through this – and that I’m not alone.  But the thought of being percieved by people and having to interact and stress about those intereactions is just a big hard pass when I need to rest.  Also, for me, staying inside feels safe.  I can limit stressors as much as possible and just be.
• I will spend a lot of time thinking and processing.  This depends on what led to me needing to rest, but always is present because ADHD. But sometimes the isolation of a rest period will allow me to see things that my overwhelmed brain missed.  For example, I may come to realizations that might lead to apologies for things in the past.  I may see choices that I made that caused to some dumb decisions and take steps to avoid them.  

However, coming out of one of these rest periods can be difficult, especially if those around you don’t know why you needed to hibernate.  Sometimes people will think that you’re being rude or standoffish or someting like that, when really you’re just engaging in self-care to help us bring our best selves to each day.

So keep this in mind if the ADHDer in your life goes quiet.  It could just be that they are taking time to process and FEEL emotions in the face of a stressful situation and can best do that in a space they feel safe in.  It doesn’t mean they don’t want to share with you.  It doesn’t mean they don’t want to be invited – in fact they are probably afraid that they will stop being invited when they need this down time so often will push through and not take the time needed which only leads to – you guessed it – more dumb decisions.

It’s not easy being an ADHDer or being a part of the support system of an ADHDer.  But with open and clear communication and being curious and not furious – things can work out and not be a source of stress and hurt feelings for anyone.