This is a tweet I saw come across my feed yesterday, thankfully with comments from people about what utter trash of a take this is. Why would anyone choose to be depressed or any other mental health issue like that?
I just wish that we were able to really get beyond the stigma and have people understand that mental health issues are no different than any other issues. It would be nice to be able to one day drop “mental” or “physical” as a qualifier before the word health and focus on the fact that health is health. Healthcare isn’t just for things like allergies, asthma, or the flu – it includes help for things like depression, anxiety, addiction, grief, PTSD, etc.
I know for myself, I would never wish having anxiety on my worst enemy. And I sure as hell would never choose this for myself. My anxiety, especially when it is at its worst, is exhausting. It robs me of my ability to do things to the best of my ability and makes the most mundane tasks seem impossible.
I guess that is why I have decided to start writing more openly about my current struggles – to provide a glimpse into what happens when I have a flare up of what is a chronic condition for me. Doing this could make people think I’m weak or broken, but I honestly hope it maybe allows people to gain an understanding for what these struggles are like. To maybe have compassion and understanding for people. And to learn how to help support friends and family that may be dealing with a flare up.
As for myself, I’m getting through this rough patch. I’m using the skills I have developed through work with my therapist (she’s the best). I’m trusting my support network (for the most part. . . .but that’s where I have to remember that anxiety is a jerkface) and I’m not pushing myself and giving myself breaks when I need them.
If you’re curious, you can read more about my anxiety disorder at the link below.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t also thank the people in my life that are providing me with support and reminders that this too shall pass and that I’ll be better prepared for the next flare up. Y’all know who you are.
Here are some selected shots from our rafting trip down the Chama River in New Mexico. Note: I was getting used to using my GoPro in a sporty way so these may not be the best, but I had a blast rafting!
Videos from the rafting trip and more trip pictures to come soon!
I asked the reverend once, “What are we supposed to do in the face of so much senseless pain?” And he said to me, “What else can we do but take what seems meaningless and try to make something meaningful from it?”
There’s a lot going on in the world right now – with the bad over shadowing the good. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings going through my mind, but at this time I am unable to translate them into something coherent. Since my own words are lacking, I am going to share some words from President Bartlet from one of the greatest episodes of TV ever.
“The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They’re our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we’re reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United State of America. Thank you.”
In a recent post (The Lies I Tell Myself), I shared what it is like to struggle with anxiety.
It was a hard post to write, and I still sometimes want to delete it and just hide from it. But, it is a part of what makes me the person I am, and if you’re going to judge me for it, that’s on you.
For most people, the thoughts that anxiety causes don’t make sense. Or they really don’t understand what the thought process is. Well, thanks to Sara Bareilles, I can offer a small glimpse of what types of thoughts go through my head when I have to meet new people, or really just interact with people in general.
I stick with real things, Usually facts and figures. When information’s in its place, I minimize the guessing game. Guess what? I don’t like guessing games. Or when I feel things, Before I know the feelings. How am I supposed to operate, If I’m just tossed around by fate? Like on an unexpected date?
Sara Bareilles “When He Sees Me”
Aside: This song is from a musical that she wrote the music and lyrics for called “Waitress“. It just did a short run in Boston and will be hitting Broadway starting next March. A selection of songs from this show was recently released, and I took a short break from listening to “Hamilton” on repeat to listen to it. Both are really good albums and I want to try to get to NYC to see both.
Now this post has been a long time coming, and I’m sure that I’ll have second thoughts after it is posted and be tempted to take it down and run away. However, it’s time that I say this and maybe it will help someone the way similar posts have helped me.
It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared to write this and hit post. It doesn’t mean that I’m not afraid it will cause people to look at or treat me differently. It doesn’t mean that I’m “cured” or anything like that. It simply means that I’m finally able to share with others this glimpse into myself and the extreme vulnerability it brings along with it.
Let’s start with this question: What do others seen when looking at me?
Someone with an advanced degree and a good job? Someone with friends and people that care about them? A person with a unique set of skills and talents that can be used to help others? An intelligent person? A strong, confident woman?
But it’s all false.
Why can’t they see it too?
Each and every day I tell myself a series of lies. Some days, it’s only a few. Other days, my thoughts are overwhelmed with them. Depending on the day, I believe them to varying degrees – but the fact remains, I struggle with these lies, and what they do to me, everyday.
Here are some examples of the lies I tell myself:
I am not good at anything.
Any success I experience is the result of luck, not my actions.
Nobody likes me; they are just being nice to me because that’s what people do.
I’m alone in all of this.
Everyone hates me. I have never and will never find a place to fit in.
I’m not smart or intelligent.
I’ve clearly done something to make that person hate me, so I should just avoid them.
I’m going to get in trouble for something, why can’t it just happen now?
I’m going to let that person down.
Why bother? I’m not going to be able to succeed or make anything happen.
You’re probably thinking, “No way you think all of those things! There is so much evidence to the contrary all around you!”
My response: “Nope. There’s not. Duh.”
You see, this is what anxiety does to me. It makes the truth next to impossible to believe. It makes it hard for me to believe in myself and my talent. It makes me doubt that anyone actually likes me, and instead is just using me as a way to get something.
I can’t internalize the positive but am a magnet to the negative. You can point out things that disprove each of the lies above, but I won’t, I can’t use it to change my mind. That’s another fun aspect of anxiety – it robs you of your ability to think rationally and use logic to solve problems.
What is frustrating, is that I use my problem solving skills for many many things – everything from what to have for breakfast to how to solve problems at work to fixing some tricky CSS to get a website to look how I want it to. There are a number of things that come quite naturally to me that others struggle with. I would give anything to not have to struggle to believe in myself and shake myself free from the weights that anxiety (and its friend depression) put on my shoulders. I would trade the ability to do graphic design to not have to second guess every interaction I have with people in fear messing up. I want to believe that I am smart and not have someone pointing that out cause me to shrink away and feel uncomfortable.
But I can’t. It’s not that easy.
What people don’t realize is that I’m struggling internally to avoid making those lies become a reality. I will sacrifice myself in order to avoid letting people down or failing. I will give up my time, energy, knowledge just because the alternative – dealing with what is bothering me and trying to fight the anxiety – is just too much right now. If I ignore it, it’ll go away, right?
It also bleeds into all parts of my life. When I’m on my game and I’m able to limit the lies I tell myself, I’m able to get a lot done and not give too much time to my anxiety. However, when things start to slip – it’s all downhill from there. People around me may not see it because I’ve trained myself over the years to hide and put up a strong facade.
I spend hours thinking over things that make me more anxious and stressed. I fear even basic human interaction since I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal. I want to run away and just hide and be in a space where I feel comfortable and can control what is going on around me.
The alternative? High levels of frustration. Anger. Racing thoughts, racing heartbeat, rapid breathing, body prepared to flee at a moment’s notice, a tightness in your stomach – or in other words, a panic attack.
They are not fun, and when my anxiety is at its worst, I spend a majority of my energy fending one off leaving me exhausted.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
But one thing I have come to learn is that this is a part of who I am. It’s a struggle I will face moving forward and there is no magic wand to make everything better. This is one of the biggest issues with things like this – people don’t understand that I can’t just take their positive feedback and use that to keep my anxiety at bay. I can’t just put on a smiley face and be happy. I have to use various techniques – like with other illnesses – to limit my symptoms and avoid flare ups. It’s not easy, but it’s a part of who I am.
I want people to understand that if I need to retreat into myself, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I just can’t handle more things. I want people to understand that just because I have anxiety, it doesn’t mean that I’m weak or less skilled. I basically just want people to know – because I’m sick of hiding or giving vague answers to questions instead of just owning up to what is really bothering me.
I also need some things from those around me. I need to not be made to feel as though I am broken. I need support. I need people to remind me at times that taking care of me isn’t selfish. I need people I can laugh with; people to accept me for who I am. I need people to not ask too much of me, and understand if I need a break.
Right now, I’m in a place where I’m generally not happy. The things that I would normally find interesting and enjoyable seem like a chore and I try to find ways to avoid. This isn’t a good place to be in because it is letting the lies win. It may lead to me letting people down and people hating me because I was afraid to ask for help.
That needs to end. I need to know that it is ok to ask for help (something I often tell others), and learn to trust those around me. I need to take small steps to get back to a place where I feel at ease and not checking around every corner for the next huge obstacle. I need to know that anyone that judges me for this has no place being in my life.
I need to feel calm, happy, and like myself again. And not like I’m living the lies I tell myself each day.
I’ve been there before, and I can get there again, I just need to keep trying and not be afraid to ask for help.
Maybe then those lies won’t seem as real.
Edit: Right as I was debating whether or not to hit publish, this post from Thought Catalog came across on my Facebook feed. Oddly helpful since I find myself feeling so tired right now.
